Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:iconsylvanox:
I wanted to send a critique for this work because it reminds me of an author I like a lot, which is Salinger. I guess you might know him and his short stories. Precisely, this reminded me of Franny and Zooey.

That said, you chose an approach that is less absurd and less concerned about dialogs. Your text has a real ambient and the first part is impressive of "everyday realism". It gives images of the heroin to the reader, and the recall of the phone call is very good in my opinion. I appreciated this vision.
I consider the end of the first half (the call) and the second half are a bit worse.
Your vision was a bit stained by the event of the call: from an overly common yet distinct image, you commit to an overused and easy path. To get off this path, I think your dialogue should have had more personality. The problem with the "How can any of us help anyone" is that it it a punchy sentence that is shallow in itself. I feel like you wanted to include this sentence and neglected its negative impact on the overall discussion. Like if you had started your short story with the idea of writing this sentence, but sentences cannot spring from nowhere (how many times have I tried to quote movies or books in a discussion or piece of writing without ever succeeding!)
Here, your discussion is a bit unrealistic because not linked with the ambient and the personality of your character, who is not that cold-hearted (and that is her strength). To sum up I would say it echoes like a fantasized talk and not one which could occur in the real life you depict in the first part of your work: it is too simple, too schematic.

As a non-native speaker, I will not judge your technique, having too few works in mind to compare with accuracy. I would say it is suits your theme right: casual, not too heavy.

Impact, to finish with, is good. Part of why I did not put more than 3 stars is because of this unrealistic dialogue and second scene where your characters find a connexion with others, but a too superficial one in my opinion. That is a choice, of course, but impact is usually greater when the connexions are deep or absolutely inconsistent.

Overall a nice work with a very good first part (the bread, the tumbler etc..) Keep up!


What I felt about your work is that its
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: